I have tried to offer support and guidance for Chinese women here on CLM with meeting men. I have written articles to support the men too, but more-so Chinese women because they seem like a innocent child lost in Disney World. Amazed, full of wonder and happy-life possibilities, but easily manipulated if partnered with the wrong person. So I offered advice, views and thoughts on dating and relationships. I openly scolded those justly and did not hold my tongue with the scumbags (men and women alike) that exist here and in the real world. Today I am going to stop all of that. I am officially backing away with trying to offer help and advice. Because I feel defeated, deflated and frustrated. My wife and a few friends over in China have finally convinced me that Chinese women are desperate and it is pointless to expect them to listen to helpful advice when they are BLINDED by a crush, infatuation, love, or whatever you want to call it. I am finished with trying anymore.
I have spent many hours speaking openly with the best interest for women who have my words go in one ear and and out the other. Seeing them getting hurt in the end was too upsetting for me. It is hurtful to warn a woman not to walk into the fire and see her continue to go towards the flames and get burned. Why did I bother? My wife told me time and time again,
"You can not save the world! You are not the judge. It is not your business, Bren. If she wants to walk off a cliff you can not stop her! Why waste your time?! You should instead devote your energy into how to make more money!" - Haha! I got to love her motivation! Money seems to be always on a Chinese woman's brain for a better future!
It's a sad moment that I am now believing her and other's words today, but I can not deny the evidence and experience I have witnessed with my own eyes. What she is saying is true. What many others have told me is true. Why bother? Why talk/chat for hours with a woman to watch out for a man and be careful only to have her ignore any common sense until she comes back saying I was right, she was stupid and is now broken-hearted. I can not do it any longer. It is time for me to stop thinking I can help save people. Just let the women make their own choices in life and if they FALL, they will have to learn from it. As much as I wish to save a friend from being hurt, I now realize it is a futile effort.
I was recently told, "You can not change the breeding, cultivation and culture of Chinese women believing that a man/husband is crucially important in their lives in order for happiness. Chinese women who are divorced, 30 or older, especially if she has child are seriously DESPERATE to find a man to love and marry due to unbelievable pressure from family and peers. Chinese men will not consider a women to marry if she divorced, especially if she has a child."
Wow, are Chinese men that callous? They can not be so dumb and inconsiderate, can they? Statistics are evident that there is a shortage of Chinese women compared to the Chinese Men in China:
Too many men, not enough women: Young Chinese men of marriageable age will soon find it tougher to look for a wife because there will be 24 million more young men than women of marriage age by 2020.
HELLO?!! WAKE UP, you Chinese men! Your women are so few, but you still avoid a good Chinese woman if she is divorced and has a child? You have got to get your priorities straight! But once again, what can I do? This is widely-accepted culture in China for thousands of years. Can you change a Chinese man's views of what makes a marriageable women? Can my mere words in blogs change or instill a change in Chinese women and men? Can I alone convince Chinese women to not be so desperate? Can I convince Chinese women to no settle for less in a man??? Hell no! I seriously doubt it.
Witnessing Chinese women being used, lied and played by men from other countries and they will still hold on to him as if he is their only option is pitiful to observe. He is not God, but they sure show a loyalty to a scumbag like he is one. Do Chinese women have to be so desperate to marry? So desperate for love? Do Chinese women realize that they are valuable in the ratio of men to women in China?! Do Chinese men not realize their strict marrying preferences will be limited more and more each year with competition?! Does the supply an demand theory not hold true with men and women in China? There is no reason for a Chinese women to be so DESPERATE for a man?!! Chinese men should be desperate for their WOMEN! Something will have to change soon enough! It will be interesting to see what transpires.
With my blogs, I felt, could instill some good, upstanding advice for Chinese women. Sharing that they do not have to accept just ANY MAN just because he shows interest in them. Take your time. There are plenty of fish in the sea. A woman must think what is best for her and her life. It is time to let someone else carry the torch! I'm too tired to fight the good fight!
But I will say this...
I think it is a sad day for any woman to be so desperate that she feels she has no choice or that it is ok to accept and suffer with a man who treats her poorly. Especially when she knows he is not good for her and refuses to see reason over desperate hope. Can women afford to be so desperate for love? Can this desperate behavior ever be changed? I choose to believe it will happen one day! I do not care how old a woman is. I do not care if she is divorced. I do not care if she has children. They are still GOOD women and they do not deserve, nor should they accept such foolishness, lies, cheating and ill treatment from any man. Once a man knows what he can get away with without consequences, he will use that to his advantage. We have a saying in my part of the world,
"I can do bad all on my own..."
This holds true for all Chinese women. A woman can do bad all on her own, so why should a woman bother clinging onto a bad man?! Be wise in your decisions. Put self-respect first before any MAN! Love yourself FIRST before any man and you will always be loved.
I hope you are happy in whatever/whomever you choose for your future.
I wish you all the best!
Second, I don't think you should undervalue what you have taught the Chinese women with your blogs. You have no way of knowing how many of them "saw a light" while reading your blogs and said "wait a minute, that's me he's talking about - I'm being used - I'm mad and I'm not going to take anymore (to borrow from one of your blogs borrowing from "Network")". I'm willing to bet that a good number of women since you started blogging have turned a corner thanks to you, but even if just one of them got out of a bad thing from reading your advice, then it was well worth all the writing.
I think the problem is that you let yourself get too close to it, where you were actually invested in it so that each failure to not follow your advice caused you grief and unhappiness. I suggest that you would be wise to avoid getting too caught up in individual issues between members. We have well over 100,000 members, and that's a lot of personal issues going on. You cannot take that on your own shoulders. Our members have to be responsible for themselves.
I am working on a new blog now on this whole issue and hope to publish it within a day or two.
Cheers, Bren. Don't lose that great heart.
Too many bad habits and ignorant behavior in the world, especially in China, is blamed on "Culture". It is a convenient excuse not to change.
I know you have been to China and married the beautiful Chinese woman, so you have much insight to offer members and hope you continue to do so.
However, you are in Boston and not "Boots on the ground" in China daily as me and some other foreign members have been for many years. If you were, you might see things from a different viewpoint and understand Chinese women are not as desperate as you might think from a relatively small sampling of internet chats and messages you may have had.
Chinese women here can also play their games with multiple boyfriends in the same city as well as online. If you don't believe me, ask your wife who probably knew some Chinese women with no job, sleeping all day, but out every night like a vampire at expensive nightclubs dressed in expensive clothes, with hair and nails perfect.
As for good advice, some will accept and heed. As for the rest, in the words of Forrest Gump, "Stupid is as stupid does".
Yet, I think you will find there are far more male scumbags that exist trolling online and manipulating gullible woman. Not saying the the same type of scumbag ladies do not exist, but c'mon, let's be real here... A lot of the women on here are serious and I have conversed with so many. Too many. Even before I got married, I played the CLM game long enough to spot women that were game players...And they are far, far few in between. If you guys have experienced many scumbag women. Then write your own blogs let's hear the stories about them. I think men who have been-around-the-block, can spot a woman playing games quickly and just cut her off before any more time can be wasted. But with Chinese women, they just don't cut a scumbag guy off as quickly. They cling on to hope and more hope. Hoping that he will change and choose them and stop lies. That he will come around. I never seen such ignorance to evidence and still give a scumbag the benefit of doubt that he will change for the better. It's CRAZY... damn pathetic. So as my wife says...
"Let them fall off a cliff and soon they will learn!"
And fall they will.
I just heard another horrible story from another memeber expecting to meet a man, but finds out a month before he's to see her that he's already in China with another woman. He in turns gets dumped by this other woman and goes back to her crying for forgiveness. Do you think the woman slams the phone and hangs up on his ass?!!! Hell no. She invites him to visit her regardless of his lies, deceit and betrayal. As far as she is concerned she won him back and will show how sincere she is for him. This sincerity will change him. Change his heart for her. She thinks life is wonderful and getting better. 2 weeks later, this guy gets deathly ill while staying with her. HE drops dead (not breathing) in her house. She revives him, saving his life. Nurses him back to health (I heard the sickening details of what she went through -she's in the medical profession) going above and beyond for this man. He is finally back in good health. What does she get for it all? The other woman contacts this guy wanting to see him again. The scumbag does not hesitate and flies to meet the other woman leaving this woman hanging! AFTER HIS LIFE WAS SAVED by her, he leaves her!...yet she continues to tell me she has a place in her heart for him! She CAN NOT FORGET HIM! Has loyalty for him and feels he is a good man and still pines for him!!!!!!
You tell me what that is?
Desperation?
Maybe...
Maybe not, but it damn smells something like it.
There is a loyalty with Chinese women that will tolerate such ill treatment and still feel for a scumbag man and take him back. I've never seen such devotion in other women as I see in Chinese women. It's admirable to hear such commitment no matter what, but when they have this dying devotion to these scumbag men, it's sickening, man. Where you are living or raised up is not the issue here, Lotusmaster. The true fact is that the women who have these experiences would never share such an experience with you without knowing you intimately. They would not dare lose face by telling you. I'm the one hearing these horrible stories from women on here and they still having hope for these no-good assholes. Why do they confide in me? I don't know, becuase I try to speak up for them, maybe. I do care and expect women to stand strong and respect themselves and not putting up with foolishness by no good men. I only wish they would not tolerate these type of men.
Your above example is pretty bad and extreme, however the notion that I wouldn't be told this unless I knew these women intimately, at least in my experience is not correct. The fact that I am not Chinese is enough. There is a saying, "if you can feel his chin, then he is not a ghost" While the term gui lo has many uses like any other term, looking into it's origin you will find that a "ghost man" is a person that never had any face to being with. While here perfect strangers tell me the most intimate and embarrassing aspects of their lives. I can only assume that it is because you can't lose face to someone that doesn't have any face to begin with.
The thing is the above story, I've actually hear in more or less the same way many times, only difference is the man is Chinese. One of the other major problems I see with Chinese girls and men from other countries is that the Chinese woman often devotes herself with out discussing it with the man. In many cultures it is okay for consenting adults to purely be "friends with benefits". Many Chinese women who are "not open" don't understand this, and simply claim that a man is their boyfriend when the man never asked her to be his girlfriend. On top of that in most western culture this will make a man run for the hills. I see much more of this than anything else, which is when I realized that the majority of the "horror" stories I had heard before where simply one perspective.
Much like the bestselling book, "Private Dance" which is told from both points of view. When you actually see it unfold, you see something very different then when you only hear it from the Chinese point of view...